How To Survive A Felony Traffic Stop

Think it won't ever happen to you? Think again my friend. Chances are (in most cases thankfully slim), if you ride long enough, ride Harley's, and sport a maybe too authentic "bad ass biker persona", you will one day find yourself center stage, starring in your very own reality show; "The Felony Traffic Stop". Talk about victim of circumstance! But fear not fellow Chromies, just in time for the Laughlin River Run, we're gonna give you all the tools you need to come out the other side of your brush with the boys in blue with nothing more than a really cool tall tale.

So just what is a "felony traffic stop" anyway? Good question, and if you've ever watched an episode of Cops, you've most likely already seen one play out. Basically a felony or high risk traffic stop is executed when police (typically multiple units) stop a vehicle which they believe has a strong probability of containing a driver or passenger suspected of having committed a serious (read violent) crime, and that the suspects in question are most likely armed. Obviously not bueno.

In a typical felony stop, guns are drawn, use your head

If you remember our piece on the Sons of Anarchy replica Dyna, that bikes former owner got the "felony treatment" for merely wearing a hunting knife. Worse yet, it's fairly easy to imagine a scenario where you and your bike match the description of a rider/motorcycle combo that just committed some unspeakably vile crime. And there you are, riding along, merrily contemplating your next burger and brew stop when, BAM! Lights, siren, and a posse of adrenaline hyped cops are judge, jury, and well, you know, for the next 30 minutes of your life. We're gonna make sure your life span exceeds that 30 minutes, because you're armed (OK, poor choice of words, you got me) with the Asylum's very own, exclusive, never been tested, "Three C's" of felony traffic stop survival; "calm, comply, and communicate".

First off, let's get one thing straight, the only person even more terrified than you, is the cop. He or she may be well trained, but they are also keenly aware of the dangers involved when confronting a potentially armed criminal (many officers killed in the line of duty die in felony traffic stop situations) and that's gonna have them at DEFCON 1. While it won't be easy, you need to stay calm. Really, be chill. Part of the drill is that the officer is going to be yelling at you in an aggressive manner, it's how they control the situation and keep the suspect off balance. It's normal, don't freak. More importantly, do EXACTLY what they tell you to do, and no more. Now's not the time witty retorts and smart ass comments.

This is where "comply" comes into play. Whatever you do, don't "anticipate" what the officer is gonna ask you to do. In other words, don't get off the motorcycle unless they tell you to. Don't speak unless in response to a specific command or question (if you have to, ask permission to speak). And whatever you do, don't make any sudden or threatening moves, what may seem innocent to you, may get a barrage of 9mm lead grouped in your direction. That means no reaching for your wallet, even though you think you're just being helpful, after all, you know John Law's gonna want to inspect your license at some point. Yeah, he's likely to ask for it, but wait until he does. Same thing goes for cell phones, keys or saddle bags. Always await instructions and only do what's commanded. Move slowly and deliberately. Think, "...I will obey your every command",  keep repeating it in your noodle, it could very well save your sorry hide. And look at the bright side, face down in the dirt will nicely "age" that new leather vest. Talk about street cred.

Felony stops always involve significant "backup"

Lastly, there's "communicate", but as you might have guessed already, less is really more with this "C". What we're attempting to do here is avoid any surprises for the officer(s), which will more often than not result in a rather nasty corresponding surprise for you, like a rap on the noggin, or worse. If you know something that would be of interest to the officer, let them know. What "communicate" does not mean is argue. This is not the time to cop your best jailhouse lawyer 'tude and lambaste the lads with the PR-24's, they're really not interested in what you think of them, the law, or your "rights" at this particular moment in time. They might be interested, however, in the fact that you might be packing a gun (yes, yes, as uncivilized as it may seem, there are still states beyond the iron grip of the Peoples Republik of Kalifornia where the great unwashed are permitted to carry firearms, legally no less, oh the horror!) and where it is. Same goes for knives. Once the officers know you're armed, they'll instruct you as to how you will be disarmed. Again, don't take the initiative here, don't reach for said weapon, even after you've told them it's location. Common sense, they don't know you're not a bad guy, so they're not gonna let you play with knives and guns. Duh.

If you've followed the "Three C's", done exactly as you were told, chances are (assuming you truly are innocent, you are, right!?) you'll be on your way with nothing more than a great bar story and soiled undies. The key is to get safely beyond the "officers weapons drawn" portion of the show, there's no point in being "right" if it only gets you dead. There's plenty of time down the road to address such issues as unprofessional behavior on the part of the cops, physical violence, and damage to property, if any of that was part of your little pow-wow. That's what lawyers and courts are for, not the shoulder of the road. Got it? So let's be careful out there.

Bug Off, It's Spring Baby!

Moments before impact

Ahhh the telltale signs of spring; chirping birds, income taxes, new Real Housewives of the OC episodes, trying to remember where the gym is.........and bugs, &%$# bugs!! Apologies up front to all you Chromies still mired in snow, dealing with early flooding, and coping with freezing temperatures........but you bought your ticket, you knew what you were getting into so deal. It's sunny out here on the left coast ("left coast"....how appropriate is that!?) and we're riding my friends.......well, actually, we never stopped, but I don't want to rub it in...........heh, heh, heh.

Insects, bugs, the flotsam and jetsam of the air, big liquidy puss sacks of splatter and rock hard exoskeleton armoured mini missiles, winged suicide angels..........infinite in number, less intent on survival than your average jihadist, they lurk just out of sight, hovering in the shadows, waiting for the opportune moment to grimly carry out their singular "mission" to extinguish their pathetic, fleeting existence just that much sooner. Preferred method of execution?

Death by motorcycle.........whether they off themselves on your faceshield, jacket, or bike........it really doesn't matter, they'll find you, and when they do, they'll pull you into their macabre dance of doom.......we're all powerless against their fanatical fatal onslaught. We can only hope to deal with the grim aftermath as best we can.

A tad dramatic? Yeah, maybe, but cut me some twine here, how else am I gonna get you to slog through a missive about bug removal........really, how? In my former life as motorcycle industry insider (ah, those were the days.........) I had the opportunity to sample all sorts of goodies; from jackets to boots, chains to communicators, as well as, all manner of chemical and potion that passed itself off as "cleaners". Some of these products you've heard of, others never made the light of day, and usually for good reason.

I'm happy to report that most "over-the-counter" cleaners on the market do a reasonable job of living up to their claims, and I have no doubt that all of you have a particular favorite that has served you well over the years and miles. But when it comes to bug gut removal, yours truly has found one remedy that performs far better than all the rest..........bar none.

Wanna know just what that magic potion is...........wait for it, wait for it.......hot water, and a 100% cotton towel. Yup, that's it, what, you were expecting some tiger blood and sulphuric acid elixir!? Look the fact is that nothing does a better job of clearing insect remains from your machine than hot/warm water (works even better when the bugs have had a chance to petrify before removal), just dip one end of the towel in the water, rub of the bug juice, and wipe dry. Done. No harm to the surface, painted, chrome or otherwise, which can not always be said of chemically based cleaners.

Don't ask me why, but the H2O method is less prone to streaking and really buffs up well on chrome, while common cleaners and waxes take much more effort to ensure they don't spot or streak. Just try it, and you'll see..........and if you employ my decidedly low tech (and so very "green", upon completing the task simply use the remaining liquid to water the foliage, you're feeling better about yourself already, huh!?) you'll be shocked by the results..........eww, starting to sound a little "infomercially", time to go.

So get out there and ride dammit, and the next time you're faced with buffing up the "killing fields" that is the front of your motorcycle, you'll know what to do..........no thanks necessary, just doing my job. Oh, one last thing, always resist the temptation to wipe a fresh kill from your faceshield while riding, I can assure you that whatever visual impairment you're suffering will be tripled by your efforts......trust me on this one..........